Oh no, pirates are approaching! From quite a long way off in fact! Well it's not like they need the advantage of surprise, given that we're going to mostly stand around and wait for them. Sure enough, TOM skilfully avoids the PIRATE-INFESTED OCEAN WATERS by taking a shortcut through OCEAN-INFESTED PIRATE WATERS. But don't mention it out loud, it might conflict with the whole hero thing. In fact, fuck it, let's do like the real Captain Phillips and sail even CLOSER to Somalia, to save time. The forecast is hostagey with a 300% chance of pirates. We'll be leaving from Pirate Bay, travelling along Pirate's Shoals, going around Pirate Cove and finally arriving at Pirate Docks. Just a few random lines here and there, I promise. Look guys, I'm about to pretty much ditch the Boston accent thing for the rest of the movie, if that helps. But we NEVER signed up for taking reasonable precautions against pirates! Fuck you! Okay, yes, we signed up for sailing through pirate waters. Get those anti-pirate lahks prahperly lahked! They may do jack shit against anybody with a gun, but with any luck we'll only run into cutlass-wielding, hook-handed pirates. TAHM stomps around the boat being a SECURITY-CONSCIOUS HAHDAHSS in precisely the same way his real-life counterpart reportedly WASN'T. Besides, I'm sure your quick temper and rash decision-making will come in handy. No c'mon, we'll be like Bill Pullman & Bill Paxton in 1990's "Brain Dead", it'll be awesome! What if the Oscar voters get mixed up and split the vote? This is my shot at a nomination, dude. Ooh, over here! I'm a complete stranger with psycho eyes! Pick me!īut we have almost the exact same name. As in, someone will come mutilate my entire family if I don't show up for pirate duty. Yes, like Tahm, I also face a rough commute. Wait, this is my entire role? I'm an Oscar-nominated actress, for fuck'sīARKHAD ABDI and ANOTHER GUY play SCHOOLYARD PICK'EM to assemble their rag-tag teams of scrappy underdogs, that are sure to overcome impossible odds to capture the STATE CHAMPIONSHIP VALUABLE CARGO! Well, off to my daily grind of sailing giant cahgo bahges off the coast of Africa. Despite being a mahdern-day American hero, I'm also a nahmal guy with nahmal prahblems, just like anyone else.
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